Stray Feelings
by Animangod
Summary: Chapter 1: Kurogane's side. Herealizes he's in love with Fai but after Fai turns into a vampire, he develops Hanahaki Disease. Chapter 2: Fai's side.


To love unrequited will slowly kill you. To love knowing that is a fool's errand.

He knew how it ended. He'd seen it before. And yet, even knowing how useless it was, how pointless unrequited love was, love rooted itself in his heart.

He realized early on he cared about the kids, even Mokona, slowly considering them as though they were his own kids, not that he said that aloud. He loved his Master, like a sister, a friend, a mentor, as his boss. Souma he loved in a similar manner although she was not his boss or Master. And then there was Fai.

Fai. He knew he was a liar, a runner, a fighter. He was a cook, and a magician who refused to mage. Fai was so many different, sometimes contradictory things and yet the one he never saw - never anticipated - he loved him for all the things he saw in him, and yet he hadn't considered he was in fact, walking into love with him.

He was just someone curious, a puzzle to pass the time between this world and his world. And yet, he grew closer to him, saved his life, and in Outo, he mourned for the loss of 'his friends'. Was willing to give up some of his strength to avenge them.

With all that happened between Outo and the other world, he had enough time to process the world they were in was like a dream world but hadn't truly thought over why he was so relieved when he saw they weren't dead or why he had been willing to give up something so valuable, or in the next world, why he was concerned that Fai let those bunnies cook him up. He knew - something had changed, if he would do all those things. It was just a matter of putting words to it.

In Yama, with six months of not being able to communicate with Fai, he easily had the time to think things over, but his mind was preoccupied. There was battle and cleaning and making sure that non-maging mage stayed alive long enough to get out of that world. And sleep. Yes, all these took precedence over thinking too deeply over his previous actions. The only things that lingered were Fai's words as he tried to put all the pieces together. A hard puzzle when you didn't have a map of where the pieces went and so many were missing.

A part of him began to realize he actually cared for the magician. It wasn't just they were stuck together and it was convenient to keep him alive. Because usually, it was the opposite of convenient. It was so much easier physically to let his dumb choices get him killed but he couldn't bring himself to let the idiot die.

He knew he didn't think of him as his kid, even if he acted like a kid a lot. He wasn't a boss or anyone he ought to respect because of their leadership. Like Tomoyo or Souma or even Yasha. No, he cared about him. He'd saved his life countless times and Fai had saved his a few too. He was...like a partner. Someone he could trust his back to during combat. A ... rare thing as that was. Trusting someone with his back. Even knowing he was hiding a lot, he still trusted him. Just as he trusted those kids would eventually show up again. And they did.

In Piffle, they spent time together and could talk again, but there was so much to learn and vehicles to make for the race, and when Fai went down in the race, by no fault of his own, he made sure he was okay before continuing the race. And after he went down, making sure the princess would be able to continue, it was that man who insisted on getting him checked out. Even as he complained, and simply wanted to avoid it being brought up, it wasn't that bad, having Fai worrying and caring for him.

He knew he had changed, but he knew Fai had changed too.

Even in the world of the library, it was hardly a thought. And yet, he still did as the man asked. The porkbun pointed it out, in her teasing way, about how if Fai asked him to do something, how he really didn't deny him much, complaining usually. But doing it anyway. Since when did he actually do as he was told? He hardly even listened to Tomoyo or Souma, and they were his boss and teacher. If there hadn't been more pressing matters, he might have given that more thought then.

It wasn't until that world of rain, where he knew a lot more about this puzzling man and yet still knew so little. Where as he sat with the princess, at Fai's request, that he had more time to think over everything. Of why he was acting so differently.

'You can't go back to the time before you noticed things.'

Slowly, one thing piled onto another, until he knew. Knew just what had been going on all those many months. He couldn't even say when it really began, the lines between a cared about comrade and the person he loved crossing so closely he couldn't say when his heart had fallen for him, as more than a friend, an ally, his battle partner, but instead helplessly in love with him. He only could say it was true. Before he could get much further, the princess quit breathing.

So much happened, so much pain to the people he cared about, to the people he loved. It would only grow but the princess was at least alive. Hurting but alive. That kid disappeared and a similar looking kid was there. That porkbun was crying. And Fai… had one of his eyes eaten. The burns now on his back was little pain compared to what he had to hear when Mokona called the witch.

Even though he originally cared for the one vampire only as good as his fighting skills, he was thankful to him and his brother, for helping him save Fai.

He supposed the worst would soon be over. The princess would return and use up most of the remaining medicine and the only one missing would be that kid he had gotten to know. He didn't know just how wrong he was until Fai woke up.

The last time his heart hurt that bad, his parents had just died.

Kurogane walked away from him, towards that new kid. He didn't think Fai could hurt him any worse than he just did. That too he would find out was wrong.

Several worlds they went through, and it wasn't just his wrist that bled. At first, he could ignore it. An itch. Hardly anything compared to the pain elsewhere. But the itch hardly left. Worse, it only seemed to grow. Alcohol helped soothe it for a bit but eventually there came a cough, nausea and the urge to vomit. He held it back while the kids and the mage were around, but alone, it was hard to keep it suppressed. The first time, blood splattered in the sink and a single lotus petal came out of his mouth. A pink petal with fresh stains of blood.

Kurogane grimaced, seeing that petal. He'd seen how this played out. Petals and blood. And then full on flowers and eventually death.

'I'll kill you myself; until then, live.'

He said it and yet he wasn't sure he'd live long enough to do anything to change it.

"Gomenasai." He wasn't sure who he was apologizing to. His family? For not being able to avenge their deaths? Tomoyo? For not being able to return alive to her? The kids? For making them lose someone else they cared about? To Fai? For making him suffer more? To himself? For knowing the fate of these flowers and being unwilling to change his course?

He would love Fai; he would love him until it tore him apart and he died. He accepted that would be how he'd die, the roots firmly in his lungs and heart, suffocating on his own blood and love. How wrong he hoped he was.

And yet, with each cold 'Kurogane' that fell from Fai's lips, the roots only grew and it grew hard not to vomit in front of him. By the time they got to Infinity, it was petals, almost a whole flower's work and alcohol hardly helped. It was not just his back or wrist that stung, the pain in his chest only amplified. Loving Fai was hurting him constantly these days; even so, he would bear the pain because he was not about to give Fai up..

Looking at his blood and petals (love) lying in the sink, he grew more resigned to his fate. He guessed it'd be about a year he prolonged Fai's life but how many years of his own life had he bled away for this man? Whatever it was, he wouldn't regret saving Fai. He could regret it wasn't as long as he should have. He could regret he only helped him stay alive but he wasn't able to show him how to live. He could regret never telling Fai what was wrong, and giving him the chance to save him as he had done so many times for Fai. He supposed he'd only last another world, maybe two, before even he succumbed to the flowers growing inside. It wouldn't be much longer.

And a hopelessly madly in love man will do anything. Anything at all if it kept his love alive. Including…

Cutting off his own arm and yanking him out of a dying world. He had bled so much to keep Fai alive. Compared to that, this was just saving the man one last time.

* * *

He didn't remember landing. He had no idea how long it'd been but if he was honest with himself, a part of him was surprised to wake up at all.

Even as he did though, his mind immediately went to checking on where his group was. Everything was familiar after the initial panic left at hearing that voice. A voice he knew so well assuring him everyone had made it there, to Shirasagi Castle.

"Princess Tomoyo."

He had never been surprised to see her until now, but there was that bit of relief too. This wasn't some Tomoyo, this was his. The Tomoyo that helped him so long ago, and had been there as he grew older. The Tomoyo that had sent him away to grow as a person.

A part of him knew he had to make it back. At least long enough to see her, otherwise Yuuko wouldn't have fulfilled her job and granted his wish, but lately that had been overshadowed by the feud between his love and Fai's anger towards him.

Soon, Tomoyo was inviting him in. He knew he was a foolish man, but he still held onto a piece of hope, a scrap that said there's something left to be salvaged here. All hope ain't lost yet. Those words said so hard in a world so like a dream, he would hate himself if he gave up on Fai before all hope was lost, and in turn gave up on himself. Even so, there was a tightness there, making it a task to breathe evenly as he faced Fai.

"That was payback, Kuro-sama!"

As much as he wanted to hold onto hope, he told himself he was prepared for Kurogane, for his love to kill his hope. He, however, was not as prepared for being punched in the head, sending him backwards, and to hear that name again. Kuro-sama. Before the rain country, he never thought hearing his name butchered by Fai would be so welcomed. The relief washed through him, like hot tea flowing down and soothing several aches away. He found himself smirking at him before he could even attempt to stop himself.

"I'll get you back for that, you creep!"

That feeling in his chest loosened, and as they took the time to heal between leaving Nihon for Clow, Fai gently stroked his back as he coughed out blood and pieces of the disease until even roots came out. His throat was sore and raw but it was okay, because he had Fai in his life. And Fai wanted to be in his.


End file.
